When writing in a character’s point-of-view, avoid “filtering” what the character observes. Make it direct so readers experience what the character experiences.
ORIGINAL: When Joe heard the rattling, shaking sound, he looked down and saw the snake coiled on the path in front of him. He knew it was ready to strike. Joe felt the panic rise in his throat.
'Joe heard' and 'saw' are direct filters. 'Sound,' 'he looked,' and 'he knew' are a bit more indirect. 'Joe felt' is filtering an emotion rather than one of the physical senses.
Remove the filters and you create a more active moment. Filtering creates “telling” rather than “showing.”
REVISION: The rattle and shake stopped Joe in his tracks. The snake blocked his path, coiled in front of him, ready to strike. Joe stifled the little-girl scream that tried to escape.
Same scene, same sentences, zero filters. It shows readers the moment at the same time and in the same way that Joe experiences it. Readers hear …
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